While looking within is often the hardest phase of healing, it is crucial. I am not talking about a cursory review of oneself at the mind level, but rather a process of opening the hatch to our hearts and becoming emotionally transparent with ourselves. We must allow ourselves to feel and find the root causes of the hurt and negative beliefs we have so carefully sealed from our consciousness. As I help parents and kids reach this place, it is amazing to see how unaware they often are regarding the pools of pain they are carrying within as well as the negative beliefs they have adopted.
When I ask them on the surface if they are okay with themselves, the answer is normally yes, but as we dig through a long list of questions about their lives, unresolved hurts and deeply held negative beliefs begin to surface. Identifying the sealed off hurts within our hearts and the negative beliefs is essential to healing that brings with it internal contentment, peace and joy. Read More →
Trust is a tricky topic when it comes to families and especially the parent-child relationship. We have been programmed since childhood to believe trust is earned. The challenge with this view is that this means we basically need to be perfect in our relationships. Under this view when things go wrong in a relationship, we lose trust. When trust exits a relationship, communication becomes more difficult, suspicion increases and emotional distance grows. This is one of the reasons that friendships, marriage and business relationships often die when trust is lost.
I believe trust is the foundation of love. In the absence of trust it is virtually impossible for emotional connection and love to form. Apart from trust we will not take the risk of being open, transparent and of being hurt by someone we allow to get close to us. Read More →
One of the reasons our kids’ emotions can be often set off like fireworks stems from an inability to discern their feelings. This inability is something I see a great deal in coaching and see also an area where we as parents can come along side our kids to help them comprehend and guide there emotions.
When strong emotions hit that are not identified and communicated, kids quickly learn to cope by shutting them down or venting in anger. As I talk with them, they are unable to tell me what feelings they were experiencing when specific events occurred. They tend to answer, “it does not matter” (then shutdown) or “I was angry.”
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Nine out of ten kids, whom I have had the privilege of coaching, feared or were hesitant on sharing their feelings or attempting to bring up issues/hurts with their parents. This inability to address feelings, hurts, and issues contributed heavily to their hiding out in their rooms and also their explosiveness with their parents, as they grew older. Read More →
Unresolved issues are one of the leading factors that cause kids to react like the 4th of July; a period of calm is followed by a spectacular reaction triggered by what seems to be very small sparks.
When we see such explosive behavior in our kids, it is natural for us to think that they are just trying to get their way. What about our kids are doing something they should not be doing or are being ridiculous because what was said or done is so minor in comparison to their response?
After 12 years of talking with kids about their lives, decisions and direction, one thing is crystal clear. The vast majority of kids fear bringing up their frustrations, issues or hurts with their parents. They are convinced their parents will be defensive, overreact or dismiss their perspective altogether.
As a result many kids carry with in them a growing list of issues/hurts with their parents. As they hold this hurt within, each area of hurt develops into figurative fireworks just waiting to be ignited. When our kids are in this position, it does not take much to light their fuse. Read More →
Kids emotions are even more confusing as they approach and enter the changes of the adolescent brain. By age nine many of our kids will be in the midst of this. We as parents, thankfully, are able to help them navigate through this challenging change.
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