Archive for bad attitude

While looking within is often the hardest phase of healing, it is crucial. I am not talking about a cursory review of oneself at the mind level, but rather a process of opening the hatch to our hearts and becoming emotionally transparent with ourselves.  We must allow ourselves to feel and find the root causes of the hurt and negative beliefs we have so carefully sealed from our consciousness. As I help parents and kids reach this place, it is amazing to see how unaware they often are regarding the pools of pain they are carrying within as well as the negative beliefs they have adopted.

When I ask them on the surface if they are okay with themselves, the answer is normally yes, but as we dig through a long list of questions about their lives, unresolved hurts and deeply held negative beliefs begin to surface. Identifying the sealed off hurts within our hearts and the negative beliefs is essential to healing that brings with it internal contentment, peace and joy. Read More →

Healing within has made a huge difference in the relationships in our family.  So many of the sensitive spots that caused me to fear, react or get angry are gone.  When those things trigger within us, we often assess the full weight of the uncomfortable or angry feelings to the one thing our kid or spouse said. If we had healed the sensitive spots or pools of pain in our hearts, the impact of what they said or did would not have kicked off such strong feelings of pain, anger or hurt.  This is just one of the reasons healing within is so important. Removing the pool of pain and triggers makes it far easier to be the type of loving, listening and strategic parent we desire to be. Read More →

Recently I worked with a family that was by all measures successful and yet their kids were struggling.  

They lived in a great area, had plenty of resources and the kids enjoyed more activities and opportunities than their parents had. Given this reality it was hard for the parents to understand why both their kids struggled in significant ways.  One struggled with depression and anxiety, while the other had motivation issues with school and a significant anger issue.

This amazing couple could not understand why their kids would not or could not be grateful for their situation, take advantage of the opportunities and move forward confidently.  After all to them their kids were treated better then they were when they were kids and they had so much more to be appreciative of. Read More →

Have you ever thought of making a contract with your kid on their behavior and if so what was your thoughts on how it would affect them? We try our hardest as parents to help our kids by what we know of is the best way. However, what if one of the ways was very harmful to our kids’ as a person and the relationship we have with them.  

What Contracts are About

I am surprised by the growing popularity of contracts between parents and kids to address certain behaviors and issues.  While it surprises me maybe it shouldn’t, given that the pace of life leaves so little time for genuine relationships and the resulting distance we work through with so many families at Revive Family.

Contracts were originally a tool for kids who exited treatment programs.  Today they are appearing in social media and some parenting programs as a great tool to use with our kids, but are they? Read More →

The gap I find between parents and their kid’s perspectives never ceases to amaze me. Parents often believe everything is fine, they are connecting, and that their kids are close to them. Meanwhile their kids share with me feelings of frustration, loneliness, distance and hurt. Who would of thought there was such a disconnect. It made sense when I began to seek my kids’ input and insight on the subject, for this was the case with them as well.

Coaching families across the country, I believe the problem stems from the Paradigm of Wisdom vs. Perspective.  Given our age and experience we can look at our kids, the paths they are on and the things they are doing and see the flaws, issues and elements they are missing.  As a result, we often see ourselves as right and minimize our kid’s thoughts ideas and perspective. Given this, we seek to impart our wisdom and insights to our kids in order to protect and help them. Read More →

In part one of the series on Boundaries and Consequences we explored the reasons we believe in them so deeply and the impact they have on our kids.  In this blog we will explore 5 specific reasons why boundaries and consequences fail our families and our kids.

  1.    They lead to conflict that leaves both sides hurt
  2.    They destroy our kids desire to please us
  3.    They cause our kids to fear us and become dishonest with us
  4.    They fail to address the root of the issue
  5.    They establish a fear of failure in our kids    
  6.    They lead to conflict that leaves both sides hurt

What are your fights really about?  When I ask parents this and they stop and reflect they find what I found when I asked myself this question 13 years ago.   Read More →

The way kids react and respond after they make mistakes or mess up is in response to how they are dealing with the emotion of their failure. Unfortunately, most kids have no idea how to deal with mistakes a healthy way and they literally beat themselves up on the inside.

Beating Themselves up Emotionally

Imagine for a second you were injured in a fall and bruised your ribs.  The next morning you would be sore and it would be hard to move. After some aspirin and moving around you regain some flexibility and are able to move better. The next day you begin healing and feel a little better each following day.

UNLESS each morning you get up and hit yourself in the ribs.  Then what would happen; the bruise would actually get worse, more pain would result and it could not heal.

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As I coach families around the country, anger is a topic that comes up very often. Anger is a part of life, it is how you use it that will make all the difference. The range of anger has manifestations that start from negative emotions, to irritation, frustration and being upset, to yelling.  

Being angry is not always wrong and there are plenty of times where anger is justified, like being betrayed, bullied, and bad things that happen that are out of your control. Yet for many of us, anger  happens way too easily. Even in situations where anger is justified, how it’s handled and addressed can either lead to understanding and resolution or have negative and damaging impacts on our families and relationships.

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  1. Their reactions are not necessarily a bad attitude, character flaw, manipulation or rebellion.
  2. It is likely they are really forgetting their homework and chores
  3. They are as confused by their behavior as you are

The onset of adolescence occurs 18 months prior to puberty or as early as age 8 or 9. When your child’s hormones that lead to adult maturity are beginning the stages of growth, the adolescent brain enters a development phase that decreases activity in the frontal lobe of the brain. When this occurs, the changes that parents see in their children are very significant. These behaviors are very frustrating to the parents let alone the child. These three things will help you understand the changes in your adolescent:

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